I’d like to finally be honest with you about something.
I have a persistent, age-old block that I’m ready to—and need to—finally release: I am deeply afraid of consistently and widely sharing the most vulnerable, authentic, and unfiltered version of myself with the world.
That’s why I’ve struggled to share my writing regularly, even though it’s one of my greatest passions and callings. Rarely does anything I write ever feel good enough. If you’re a writer, you probably know what I mean. I’ve called it writer’s block in the past, but this block runs much deeper.
When I share my writing, I’m opening a doorway into my world and inviting you to meet me inside. It’s a space where I completely remember who I am, and where my remembrance awakens your remembrance of who you are. There, with you witnessing me and me witnessing you, we remember together that separation is an illusion, that we are one, and that as one we are endless and infinite.
To offer my words to the world is to release a leaf from my branches and surrender it to mercurial winds with complete trust. Trust that the leaf, wherever it may travel and ultimately land, will do justice to the tree from whence it came. Trust that it will not be ignored or mindlessly trampled upon but rather beheld with reverence and awe. And, trust that even when that is not the case that everything is perfect exactly as it is.
That degree of complete trust and surrender has been elusive for me. As I’ve peeled back the layers of why, I’ve discovered three deeply rooted fears, each one based on false, limiting beliefs.
- If I am seen, truly seen, then I may be abandoned as my mother had abandoned me when I was an infant. If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to stay when I was the purest expression of my highest self, then how could anyone love and accept me now?
- Who am I to share anything? I am but a man amongst billions who have walked this earth and are yet to walk this earth. I am not enough.
- I move through the world with an ever-present awareness of the myriad layers and permutations of reality and the knowledge that what actually exists is much greater than most people perceive. If I fully let go of the unconscious narratives of the world—blame, fear, anger, judgement, conflict, etc.—I won’t fit it in and the world will feel like a lonely place.
Each of these false narratives has, I believe, its origins in my childhood and was created by my subconscious to keep me safe. Despite the best intentions, the beliefs we adopt during our formative early years are often distorted and later plague us in adulthood as harmful beliefs that we’re not good enough, not deserving of love, not capable of incredible success and happiness, and even worse. It’s toxic nonsense created by our powerful imaginations run amuck, but damn can it feel so fucking real, you know?
Now, I chose to release these beliefs because they no longer serve me. They never did.
It’s true that my father got sole custody of me when he and my mother ended a loveless marriage a couple of years after I was born. However, the story is far more complex than the simplistic and heavily biased critiques I grew up hearing such as “your mother didn’t love you” and “your mother abandoned you,” long before I learned discernment. What matters to me now is that before my mom died in 2004, she was one of my best friends and we loved each other greatly.
Who I am to share anything with the world? I am the world’s preeminent expert in how to see the world through my eyes. Through my specific lifetime of experiences, ranging from profound to soul-crushing, I carry a unique combination of wisdom that no one else ever has or will. If you ever doubt your value, remember that you are also one of a kind. Special and unique beyond words. Never doubt yourself.
As a sensitive, empathic man, I’ve always had a gift for perceiving deeper layers of reality. I believe this ability is innate in each of us, simply dormant or repressed. My work with plant and mushroom medicines has helped me learn how to navigate these gifts with greater grace and understanding. There are many like me around the world, awakening, coming together in community, and supporting each other. I am not alone, nor are you.
These are the more empowering stories that I now choose as my truth.
Long enough have I indulged my almost fetish-like obsession with self-improvement and personal growth as a self-affirming excuse for why I’m not sharing my work—and myself—with the world.
“I’ll do that it soon I’m done ‘doing the work.'”
“I would, but I’m doing shadow work and it’s so exhausting. As soon I’m ready, I will.”
Does any of this ring true for you?
Now that I’m being honest with myself, and with you, the real reason that I’ve held myself back from the world isn’t that I more personal growth to do and thus am not ready (that’s an endless journey that spans lifetimes), but rather, because I’ve been afraid to let your soul see my soul. I’m done hiding now. It’s exhausting, and I’m tired.
It’s still difficult for me to openly share myself fully with you, but I believe it so important that I do. I hope that by sharing my truth you will feel inspired to explore your own truth more deeply and that that leads you to become more curious about the people around you. As we each boldly embrace vulnerability and authenticity, first with ourselves and then with others, the illusion of separation that we are collectively stuck in begins to dissolve. The walls that separate us have no choice but to crumble. The seeds of curiosity, love, compassion and healing are planted, take root, and inevitably flourish.
I’ve often been stuck in yesterday and living for tomorrow, and in the process not living at all. No more. Leaving the safe bubble of “inner work” in order to fully birth my vision into the world can be scary and anxiety-inducing, but it’s time. Perhaps it’s your time too.
How would your life be different if you allowed yourself to shine fully always and in all ways—authentically, powerfully, and unapologetically?
“The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.” —Sir Richard Branson
Photo Credit: https://unsplash.com/@spce